You CAN End Romantic Obsession (Even If You Have to See Them Every Week)

It is natural to want to create a family with someone you love, a safe place to be, a home at last. But growing up with trauma kind of twists that for a lot of us. We end up doing things in a funny order. We end up tolerating mistreatment. We end up with people who aren't really into us or can't go the

distance and yet we have trouble seeing the reality of our situation. If this happened to you, you ended up with somebody who can't really be with you the way you need, then you know the pain of trying to make someone be the person you actually needed after it's already clear that they can never be that person

for you. And when there are children involved, then your happiness and your kids happiness demands that something change, that you rise up with a strength that you didn't know you had to set things right. And in this video, I'll tell you how what that means. And I know because I lived it. All right. My letter

today is from someone I'll call Mara. And she writes, "Dear Anna, my question for you is, how do I completely break a 12-ear cycle of lirance and emotional obsession with an avoidant ex when we are forced to remain in contact to co-parent our children?" Ah, I have my fairy pencil. I'm going to go through

and circle things that I want to come back to on a second reading, but let's go through what's happening in Maricella's life. She says, "How do I stop performing or changing myself in hope that he will finally love and choose me?" To give you some background, my ex and I have been off and on for about 12 years.

We met back in middle school and stayed in touch as friends. Years later, after I left the father of my oldest son, who was just one year old at the time, our romantic dynamic officially started.

Over the years, our relationship evolved into a complex situationship. He stepped into a stepfather role for my oldest son. We had a child together and we lived together off and on. However, despite building a life and a family, he would never make our relationship official. The total lack of commitment

was a constant source of pain and instability for me. We tried couples therapy twice and I spent a significant amount of time in individual therapy trying to fix myself and the dynamic.

And through this work, I recognize that he acts from a deeply avoidant attachment style. While I transform into an intensely anxious partner, but only when I'm around him.

I now realize that this painful dance directly mirrors my childhood wounds. When I was a toddler, I suffered a foundational abandonment.

I was left with my grandparents without a single goodbye. Eventually, my mother returned to take me to the United States, but I spent my childhood struggling with severe depression.

The instability only worsened when my parents separated. My father was a functioning alcoholic who subjected me to severe emotional and psychological duress. Whenever he was upset, he would weaponize the silent treatment against me. He would also become violent. He uprooted my brother and me constantly,