Demetri Martin. Person. - Full Special

[drum beating] ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ A lot of things happened ♪ ♪ In the past ♪ ♪ And then I was born ♪ ♪ Then I went to Texas, Texas ♪ ♪ To do a show ♪ ♪ Huh! ♪ ♪ Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about me ♪ ♪ I grew up in central New Jersey ♪ ♪ I had a childhood, too ♪ ♪ I liked skateboarding ♪

♪ I found it relaxing and fun ♪ ♪ That's true ♪ ♪ Then I did some jobs for money ♪♪ ♪ They were not as fun as the skateboarding ♪ ♪ No! ♪ ♪ Now I do live comedy shows ♪ ♪ Can you handle that? ♪ ♪ Sometimes on TV ♪ ♪ Like right now ♪ ♪ Get ready to have your asses blown off by me ♪ ♪ With subtle, subtle ♪

♪ Low-energy comedy ♪ ♪ Low-energy ♪ [cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you, audience. That's nice. Thanks. I appreciate that. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks for being here for my special.

Those are the best claps I'm going to get, so I think I'm going to end on that if that's all right.

Oh, okay. They're saying I should do more. All right. I saw a friend of mine, and I went to shake his hand.

I went in for the handshake. When I went to shake his hand, he squeezes the fingers part. He cut me off, making me give him a wussy handshake.

But I thought, like, quickly, and I just went with it. I just went, "charmed." [laughter and applause] Punk!

You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass. I hate when I go in for a handshake -- I'm coming in traditional, I'm showing you my hand-- And then the person comes back to me with, like, the fist thing.

Then I've got to scramble and, like, upgrade. "Oh, we're doing the fist? Okay, like..." 'Cause yours is newer-- I got to do your thing.

So I don't do it. I just go like, "Paper covers rock, bitch." [laughter and applause] Best of one.

When I thought about it, I like rock, paper, scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean? Rock breaks scissors.